SCHWARTZDUMKOPF
A
certain
well-known
retired U.S. Army General of Christian
ancestry lost
his
memory one
day
and believed he was actually Jewish.
Simultaneously,
he
went a bit
insane,
and was institutionalized.
He
argued that
he
must be served only Kosher food.
Finaly, unable to
avoid
the extra
work
and expense, the director of the
institution
acquiesced.
A
few days
later,
on Shabbat, the director was strolling
through the
grounds,
when he
came
upon the same patient sitting in a chair
and smoking
a
cigar.
"Wait
a
minute,
Schwartzkopf," he said. "I thought
you were so religious
that
we had to
bring
in special food for you. And now,
here you are
smoking
a cigar
on
Shabbat!?"
"But
Doctor,"
Schwartzkopf
replied. "Did you forget? I'm
meshugah!"
I
Live in hope
that's
somewhere in the vicinity of wishful
thinking - Groucho Marx
"Moshe Dayan could not give back
the captured Arab
territories
- they're all in his wife's
name." -- Saying after
the
Six-Day War
THOMAS
EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm
proud that you
invented
the
electric
light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off
that light
and
get to
bed!"
-- Every mother
can
be a Jewish mother
Miller
the
Furrier
had a college educated son in his
business. Now they cross mink
and
kangaroo to get fur coats with pockets in
them!
"Business is so bad, the
customers are staying away in mobs."
-- Hymmie's lament
Timothy said "My priest knows
more than your rabbi!"
Replied Sammy, "Why shouldn't
he? You tell him
everything!"
Shortly after
the Six-Day
War,
Ralph Nader launched a campaign to provide
Arab tanks with back-up
lights.
"I recommended that you put
sleeping pills in coffee so that
the
coffee doesn't keep you awake."
A Jewish Mother's advice
Q: What is the sound of
one Jewish nerd praying?
A: That, my son, is Zen
Cohen.
Q: Is one permitted to
ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
A: Yes, as long as your
seat belt remains
fastened.
Then it is considered as if you are
wearing the plane.
Honey
please
just
calm down , let me explain ....
This past season in New York,
business was so bad the dress
manufacturers
were firing their sons-in-law.
A U.N. observer began chatting
with an Israeli
paratrooper.
"How many successful jumps have you made?"
asked the United Nations
guard?
"Every one
of the jumps was successful," said the
Israeli.
"I'm here!"
You heard about Morrie Cohen's
son He's gay - he prefers
women
to money.
AFTER
THE
ARK
After the
flood, Noah gets off the ark with all of
the
animals
and tells
them to
"Be fruitful and multiply!"
And so all
the animals did.
Sometime
later, Noah was walking through the
forests and the
fields
and
saw that
all the animals had built
families. All
around
he could hear the
sounds of
little bears, little squirrels, little
birds, and
so
on. All
this
pleased Noah very much, and he hummed a
little as he
walked,
until he
happened
on a particular river bank. There
were two
snakes,
with no
visible
family. Noah was astonished, and
inquired how
this
could have
happened.
"Why haven't you multiplied?"
"It's like
this," the snakes replied. "We
need a
shelter.
If you would
go in to
the woods and bring us a couple of
logs..."
So Noah
treks into the forest, cuts down a
couple of trees
and
drags them
back down
to the river bank, and then proceeds on
his way.
After a
while, Noah is making another tour of
the land, and
this
time he
finds that
the snakes have now built a family, and
there are
little
snakes
all over
the river bank. "That's great!!"
he
exclaims.
"But can you tell
me why you
needed the trees? I mean, after
all, none
of
the other animals
had any
sort of house and they were all able to
have
kids.
What's the
deal?"
"Well, you
see, Noah, it's like this." responded
the
snakes.
"We're
adders.
We need logs to multiply."
Source:
WhattadealJewish
Movie
Title: "GIRLS INTERRUPTED:
Women's
section of shul shusshed
during davening"
Jewish
Movie Title: "THE TALMUDIC MR.
RIPLEY - Believe it or nor, he
knows
gemorah"
"If I
live, I'll
see
you Wednesday.
If
not,
Thursday!"
--
Yiddish Saying
"I
got this dog
for
my husband. I wish I could make a
trade like that everyday."
--
Rachel's Remark
Q:
Who is the first babysitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A:
David;
he
rocked Goliath to sleep.
Ann
Dan, LA City
School
Coordinator, says she's certain that during
a
Christmas
celebration,
one
of the kids sang, "God rest ye, JerryMend
elbaum!"
"To
become a wealthy, legendary doctor, all you
have to do is invent a
cure
for which
there
is no disease."
--
Dr. Arnold Epstein, Beverly Hills heart
surgeon
Income
tax-time
is
when you test your powers of deduction.
--
Shelby Friedman
Motti
said "I bought a Japanese radio."
Doron
asked "But
how
can you understand the language?"
"I
caught a
very
aristocratic moth. It will eat holes
only in full-dress suits."
--
Rothschild's tailor
"I'm not bald. I'm just too
tall for
my
hair."
--
Irwin Goldstein's bemusement
"Anytime a person goes into
a delicatessen
and
orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere
a Jew dies."
--
Milton Berle
PASSING THE BUCK
Avrohom Mendel Nuchem
was in a cab once and made
some
mild comment
concerning
the
size
of the fare.
"So
what?"
said
the driver offhandedly. "You can
afford it."
"I
know," said
Avrohom,
trying to evade the connotation of being
cheap,
"but
my wife will
make
me feel guilty about it. You know
what Jewish
wives
are like."
There
was a
short
silence, and then from between clenched
teeth, the taxi
driver
said,
"Italian
wives, too."
Source: Counter
Attack
|
BAR
MITZVAH CONNOISSEUR
Mr.
Moskowitz was giving his oldest son, the
pride and joy
of
his life,
the bar
mitzvah, or confirmation, which all
Jewish boys
receive
when they
attain
their thirteenth year. The bar
mitzvahs given
by
the more affluent
Jews, it
seems, have assumed many of the
characteristics of
parties
given
by the
wilder Roman emperors, but even on such
a scale, the
Moskowitz
bar
mitzvah
was noteworthy.
The guests
were stunned by the magnificence and
utter
lavishness
of
everything,
from the fountain that yielded champagne
to the
three
large
bands that
played three different selections
simultaneously.
But most
magnificent of all was a gigantic bust
of the young
bar
mitzvah
boy, true
in every detail and molded out of
gefilte
fish.
It was so
beautiful
the guests hesitated to attack it with
knife and
fork,
as they
were
obviously intended to do.
Mr.
Finkelstein was particularly
impressed. Turning to
Moskowitz
(who was
observing
the proceedings with a smug smile that
hid an
aching
wallet),
Finkelstein
said, "You are sparing no expense, I
see,
Moskowitz.
It
happens
that I am a connoisseur of bar mitzvah
art, and I
can
see at a
glance
that you have commissioned the great
Louis Shmelewitz
to
carve that
bust of
your boy."
"That the
bust is a great work of art, I realize,"
said
Moskowitz,
"but
that you
are a great connoisseur of bar mitzvah
art, I
deny.
If you were
really a
connoisseur you would know that
Shmelewitz couldn't
possibly
have
carved
that bust. Shmelewitz, as every
child should
know,
works only in
chopped
liver."
Source:
Ohad the Opulent
WHERE
WOULD WE BE WITHOUT THE SHABBOS GOY?
IIn a large Florida city,
the
local rabbi developed quite a reputation
for
his sermons; so much so that
everyone in the community came
every
Shabbos.
Unfortunately,
one weekend a member had to visit Long
Island
for
his
nephew's
Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to
miss The
Rabbi's
sermon. So
he decided
to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the
congregation
and tape the
sermon so
he could listen to it when he returned.
Other
congregants saw what was going on, and
they also
decided
to hire
"Shabbos
goys" to tape the sermon so they could
play golf
instead
of going
to
shul. Within a few weeks time
there were 500
gentiles
sitting in shul
taping the
Rabbi.
The Rabbi
got wise to this. The following
Shabbos he,
too,
hired a Shabbos
goy who
brought a tape recorder to play his
prerecoded
sermon
machines.
Witnesses
said this marked the first incidence in
history of
"artificial
insermonation."
Source: Ishy58TT
THE
MARRIAGE BROKER
Mrs.
Moskowitz had married off four of his
children but the
fifth
was a
problem.
Young Jake had no visible virtues that
would
make
him a desirable
husband.
He had neither good looks, charm,
intelligence,
manners, nor
conversation.
Yet it was unthinkable that he remain
single.
Moskowitz
stooped to
the last resort and called in a marriage
broker.
The
marriage broker listened and said, "I
have just the girl
for
the young
man --
Zara Phillips."
"Who?"
"Zara
Phillips. The grand- daughter of
Queen Elizabeth
II
of Great Britain."
"A
shikseh?!"
The
marriage broker sighed. "Why the
prejudice?
In
these enlightened
times,
what's wrong with a Gentile girl?
She comes
from
a good family,
with very
little anti-Semitism. They fought
Hitler, if
you'll
remember.
They have
the very best social connections.
They're
wealthy
and the
princess
is a real beauty. See. I'll
write the
names
down together."
Suiting
action to words, he painstakingly wrote
Jacob
Moskowitz
in his
little
book and right below it, Zara Phillips
Moskowitz
had to admit the names went well
together, but he
said,
"You
don't
understand. I have to consider my
old
aunt.
She is extremely pious.
If
she found out Jake was marrying a
shikseh, she'd go
out
of her mind."
The
marriage broker put away his little
book. "Let me
talk
to her."
An
appointment was arranged, and for hours,
quite literally
for
hours, the
marriage
broker pleaded, stormed, raged, cajoled,
and slowly
broke
down the old lady.
Her faded
eyes awash with tears and her little
chin
trembling,
the aunt
said at
last, "Well, maybe you're right and I
shouldn't be
so
old-fashioned.
If, as you say, the girl is a fine
girl,
and if she will
make Jake
happy, and if the children will be
brought up
Jewish,
all right.
For
myself, I can always move out of town
and change my name
so
no one will know my shame. Go
ahead; I will make no objection."
The
marriage broker nodded gleefully and
staggered out of
the
room. The
session
had worn him out and left him but a
shell of his
normal
self.
Emerging
into the street, he opened his little
book to the
page
on which
both names
had been written. He put a firm
checkmark
after
the name Jacob
Moskowitz
and said, with a huge and tremulous sigh
of
relief,
"Half done!"
Source:
Royal T.
Danny
Thomas,
that
excellent comedian of Lebanese extraction
and the proud
possessor
of a
majestic
hooked nose, told his audience once of
having been
honorary
member
at
a country club reserved for Jews
only. It was because
of
his own
Christianity
that he could not become a real member,
and he
remained
a guest
only.
He
argued with
the
membershi pcommittee, pointing out that by
restricting
membershi
on
religious
grounds they were every bit as bigoted as
were those
country
clubs who
would
not admit Jews. To set an example
they ought to
nonrestrict
membership.
Finally,
and
reluctantly,
the members of the country club agreed,
and such
artificial
restrictions
as
race and religion were lifted.
Rejoicing, Danny Thomas rushed
down
to be the first Gentile to join as a
member under the new dispensations
--
and was refused!
Astounded,
he
said,
"But why?"
And
he was
told.
"Because we're going to a lot of trouble
to let in Gentiles, and if
we're
going to let in Gentiles, we want them at
least to look like Gentiles!"
Source:
TruthBeTold
MOISHE THE
FURNITURE
MAN
My
cousin
Moishe
owned one of the biggest and
fastest-growing businesses
in
Miami, a
furniture
store. I convinced him that he
needed to take a
trip
to Italy to
check
out the merchandise himself, and because
he was
still
single, he
could
check out all the hot Italian women, and
maybe get
lucky.
As
Moishe was
checking
into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a
beautiful
young
lady...
she only spoke Italian and he only spoke
English,
so
neither
understood
a word the other spoke.
He
took out a
pencil
and a notebook and drew a picture of a
taxi.
She
smiled,
nodded
her head and they went for a ride in the
park.
Later,
he drew
a
picture of a table in a restaurant with a
question mark
and
she nodded,
so
they went to dinner.
After
dinner
he
sketched two dancers and she was
delighted. They went to
several
nightclubs,
drank
champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening.
It
had gotten
quite
late when she motioned for the pencil and
drew a
picture
of a
four-poster
bed.
Moishe
was
dumbfounded,
and to this day remarks to me that he's
never be
able
to
understand
how she knew he was in the furniture
business.
THE
FILTHIEST WOMAN
After
taking
off
her clothes for an examination, Mrs.
Greenberg sat on the
table.
"Lady,"
said
the
doctor, "I have to tell you that you are
by far the
dirtiest,
filthiest,
most
unclean woman I have ever examined in my
life!"
"How
d'ya like
that!"
said Mrs. Greenberg. "The doctor I
went to
yesterday
said
the
same thing!"
"Then
why did
you
come here?"
"I
wanted to
get
a second opinion!" answered Mrs.
Greenberg.
Source:
Larry
Wilde
SEARCH
FOR HUMOR
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THE TEN
COMMANDMENTS
-
REVISED FOR LOVE
I.
I am thy
Main
Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others
before me.
II.
Thou shalt
not
take the name of thy Squeeze in vain,
nor badmouth me
behind
my back.
III.
Remember
our
Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or
else.
IV.
Honor MY
mother
and father. THINE are too darned weird.
V.
Thou shalt
not
kill my love by behaving tackily and
making me
embarrassed
to be
seen
with thee.
VI.
Thou shalt
not
commit adultery, nor shalt thou even
THINK about it if
thou
knowest
what's
good for thee.
VII.
Thou
shalt
not steal from my purse/wallet while I
am in thy bathroom,
nor
use my credit
cards,
nor make long-distance calls from my
telephone.
VIII.
Thou
shalt
not talk about our personal problems to
our friends.
IX.
Thou shalt
not
covet the higher market price of thy
neighbor's house.
X.
Thou shalt
not
covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or
daughter, nor
stereo,
nor BMW.
Source:
Sloppy
Lori
Secondhand
HOW FINKELSTEIN
GOT RICH
Finkelstein
had
made
a huge killing at the races and Moskowitz,
quite
understandably,
was
envious.
"How
did you do
it,
Finkelstein?" he demanded.
"Easy,"
said
Finkelstein.
"It was a dream."
"A
dream?"
"Yes.
I
figured
out a three-horse parlay, but I wasn't
sure about the
third
horse.
Then
the night before, I dreamed an angel was
standing over the head of
my
bed and kept saying, 'Blessings on you,
Finkelstein. Seven times
seven
blessings on you.' When I woke up, I
realized that seven times
seven
is forty-eight and that horse number
forty-eight was Heavenly
Dream.
I
made
Heavenly Dream the third horse in my
parlay and I just cleaned
up;
I simply cleaned up."
Moskowitz
said,
"But,
Finkelstein, seven times seven is
forty-nine."
And
Finkelstein
said, "So YOU be the mathematician."
Source:
Off-Track
Betty
RASTAFARI OR JEWISH?
Harry
Oakes, an
English
comedian, had a Rastafari father and a
Jewish mom.Being a young child,
one
day he asked his mom if he was Rastafari
or
Jewish.
She
said
"Well,
you're both."
Harry
replied,
"That's
no good. I need to know. Am I
Rastafari or
Jewish?"
"Why
is it so
important
than you know, Harry?" asked his mom.
"Because,"
Harry
continued,
"A kid in school offered me his bike
today."
"What
on earth
does
a kid in school offering you his bike have
to do with
being
Rastafari
or
Jewish?"
"Well,"
said
Harry,
"I didn't know whether to take it from him
outright or
knock
ten pounds
off
the price!"
Source:
Harry
Oakes
on Sky News
THE
TAILOR'S TIME
Jones
had ordered
a
suit from a neighborhood tailor who had been
highly recommended to him,
but
considerable time had passed and the suit
had not yet been delivered.
In
rather a
passion,
Jones stepped into the tailor's shop to have
it out.
He
said, "See
here,
Mr. Levy, you promised to let me have the
suit in two
weeks,
and four
weeks
have already passed."
"I'm
working.
I'm
working," said Mr. Levy. "The suit
is hanging right
there.
It's
almost
finished."
"Almost
finished?
But
why does it take you so long, Mr.
Levy? The good
Lord
make the
whole
world in only six days."
Mr.
Levy put
down
his needle, stood up, and said, "Come
here, mister. I
want
you should
feel
the material on this suit I am making for
you. Okay?
Now
I want you
should
come to the window and take a look at this
phooey world."
Source:
TruthBeTold
JAKE AND
SADIE
Jake
came home
from
a hard day's work, sat down at the kitchen
table, and said to his wife,
"Sadie,
for once in your life don't start with
your
troubles.
Ask,
instead,
what happened to me at business. Ask,
already, what kind
of
day I had. Go ahead, ask. Just
ask..."
Whereupon
Sadie
asked
apprehensively, "So what happened, Jake?"
Then,
Jake buried
his
head in his hands, and said, "What
happened? Oh, Sadie, better
you
shouldn't ask!"
Source:
Roth
S
Oshins
AIR
RAID
PRIORITIES
The
air-raid
siren
went off in Haifa. A woman rushed down
the stairs
toward
the
basement.
Suddenly she noticed that her husband had
not
followed
her
down.
"Come on, Sidney," she yelled.
"Just
a minute!"
answered
the husband. "I gotta get my teeth!"
"Never
mind your
teeth!"
the wife shouted back. "What do you
think they're dropping -
pastrami
sandwiches?"
Source:
Larry
Wilde
ABE
BERNSTEIN
Three older Jewish gentlemen
were talking after services one
Saturday
when the name of a mutual acquaintance
came up.
"Did you
hear about Abe Bernstein? He got
involved in
a
bad business deal and lost all of his
money. He came to me for a
loan,
but I turned him down. I told him
if he can't manage his own
money, why should he have
mine?"
said Oscar.
"Ah, yes,"
replied Melvin. "Abe Bernstein's
son was to
marry
my daughter, but I called the wedding
off. When Abe came to see
me
I told him that with no family business
to run, how could his son
support a wife?"
"Listen,"
interjected Morris, "Abe Bernstein came
to see me
too,
and I put him back on his feet." Melvin
and Oscar looked at him in
amazement.
"How did you do that?" they gasped.
"I
repossessed his car."
Source:
Terrill Mark
Sadie
&
Sidney
Sadie
and Sidney
were
well into their eighties, their savings had
slowly dwindled down to
very
little. Sidney blamed Sadie. " It's all your
fault you have overspent.
You
will have to go and find the money"
Sadie:
" At my
age
how can I make money?"
Sidney
" You
could
go out on the Streets and hustle"
The
next
morning
at 6am Sadie rose and went out to work- at
4am she came back- dirty,
dishevelled,
a complete wreck.
Sidney
" Well
Sadie
How did you make out?"
Sadie:
" I made
$24
10cents."
Sidney
:"Tell me
Sadie
Who gave you 10 cents?"
Sadie
" Everyone
gave
me 10 cents"
Source:
Bella Bath
THE STEAK
Benny
Kaufman
had
told all his friends about the delicious
steak he'd
eaten
in the
Delancey
Street restaurant the day before. So
they decided
to
go down there
and
see if it was really as large and
delicious as he
said.
But
much
to their disappointment, the waiter
brought them the
tiniest
steak
they'd
ever seen.
"See
here, my
good
man," Benny barked. "I was in this
restaurant
yesterday
and you
served
me a big juicy steak, and now today, when
I've
organized
a
party,
you serve such a small one."
"Yes,
sir,"
replied
the waiter. "But yesterday you were
sitting by the
window."
Source:
Jack
Kraft
SAM AND GILDA SHAPIRO
Sam
and Gilda
Shapiro
are having marriage problems. After
counseling with
their
rabbi they
decide
to just end their union. After a
most brief
attempt
to
reconcile,
the couple goes to court to finalize their
break-up.
The
judge asks
the
husband, "What has brought you to the
point that you
are
now at, where
you
are not able to keep this marriage
together?"
The
husband
says,
"In the six weeks we've been back
together, we haven't
been
able to
agree
on one thing."
The
wife
interjects,
"Seven weeks, your honor!"
Source:
Marsha
in
Texas
GET
PAID TO DATE
So
now I can
be
paid to go out on a date. This I have to
see to believe. Will it be
with
a nice Jewish boy? They say it is with a
high flyer. Stephen Spielberg
or Bill Gates? Come and get me.
Come
to our
community
Centre and swop humour with other
members
|